My Weakness

Lets get to the point,

Very early on in life i learned the importance of self preservation,  as a child i had to know when to go down stairs and when to hide away in my room. i learned to lie, sneak and take what i needed,

and as i got older even though i had friends i always had a lone wolf mentality.

I used to think no one else will  help and if they do it will cost me and if it doesn't they wont do things the way i like, so i didn't accept help and would usually self destruct just to prove a point.

years on however this changed, i let people into my life and i let them take on some of my burdens, it was great and refreshing but it didn't last forever and before i knew it i was looking out for #1 again.

then i was staying home alone while my parents were away,

taking care of my mother because i was the only near by relative,

and trying to act like i know what I'm doing with things that most adults older than me have no clue about.

And little by little this year Ive been relying more and more on my own strength.

Some people would argue that its a great thing to rely on your own strength and that others hold you back,

however when you're part of a church family this becomes absolutely impossible.

Firstly

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

As a Christian one of my core beliefs is that God is always there for me, when ever i need help when ever life gets tough all i need do is call upon him. and when times have been tough i have called upon him and he has seen me through.

Secondly
When you're part of a REAL church family they always look out for you and have your best interests at heart. I'm constantly being asked if i want anything or need anything, people are so quick to offer help and support and its great and i feel so loved. But when you've lived most of your life looking out for yourself it can feel suffocating.
"I'm okay thank you" has become a bit of a catchphrase for me this year.

This year through losing my mom, moving into my own house and having surgery, Ive found I'm very dependent on others generosity, I've had to accept the help of others and people have showered me in support and offered to help in so many different ways, If you're reading this and you have done this...

THANK YOU!! I cant begin you describe how much it means, But please bear with me. I'm only just learning how to say yes to people who want to help me.

I push myself a lot, i like to prove points and I'm stubborn. Most recently with my leg, expecting too much too soon, wanting to do things  before i should. The thought of not doing the things i love doing and giving things a miss so i can recover, is gut wrenching and my fear as well as others fear is that ill do more damage to myself rather than heal.

So God i pray that you'll humble me, help me submit more to you and to my leaders, take away my pride and soften my heart to the generosity of others.
Amen.

Written while listening to
Catalyst - Solar Fields(mirrors edge 2 soundtrack)